


I see you

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Art, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Healing, I am so sorry, I mean angst, Mental Health Issues, Recovery, When I say angst, but a little rough around the edges, don't underestimate me, i think i spelled that wrong, soft, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:41:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24542512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Turns out the nausea Rey felt around him wasn’t sickness or annoyance, but attraction."Rey was thirteen when she first realized she had a crush on Ben Solo. Prompting her to completely avoid his entire existince for five whole years to cope with the crushing weight of her own emotions.It wasn't until five years later, when Rey is forced to confront her past and Ben was the only person there to help at the moment, that she finally decides to work through her emotions."Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know."-Peema Chodron
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AhhhhhhhahhhhhHHhhhhh.  
> Okay sorry for that less then proffesional introduction. I must admit this plot has been stewing up a storm in my head and I just h a d to write it out because I couldn't find anything remotly like it. Heads up, mental illness will be completely separated from romance in this in all ways I can manage. Things aren't very cute when you're in an excessive amount of mental pain (I can speak from expereince) so Romance will most likely not be budding during the tough moments. Rey in this is... a handful. I love her, and I love writing her as a strong and endearing character that has a serious soft side for a small handful of people. Ben in this is Ben. His character as a whole is extreamly shy and may be perceived as rude or cold. I do want to warn the readers that there will be mentions of self harm and suicide. None will be explicitly described. (ew) But I will still put warnings in the notes when these chapters arrive!   
> Another note I would like to add,   
> I am in no way a talented writer. I would argue I am mediocre at best, but when push comes to shove, I just said screw it, I'm gonna write my own.   
> Another note  
> Yes there will be swear words

The first thing Rey noticed upon waking up was that her feet were freezing. And it’s the first day of junior year. 

The  _ worst _ year. 

Not many would argue that. Rey was smart enough to go to the yearly presentation set up each year for all the highschool students to establish the expectations. She hadn’t been to the first two for different reasons. Her freshman one was because she was totally drop dead sick and her sophomore was because she was in court testifying against her old foster dad. Which is a story for another day. 

But she wasn’t the happiest she went, because now she is shaking like a cold bunny at the amount of work she’s going to be doing. She wasn’t even taking any advanced placement courses. 

Her best friend Finn was on the same boat as her, but his parents weren’t as excited about his course placement as Ami, Rey's adoptive mother, was. Finn had  _ much _ higher expectations, for obvious reasons, but that didn’t make Rey any less tart about the subject. 

Finn was five years younger then Ben, his older brother, who was taller than a  _ redwood _ and managed to annoy Rey more than anyone she’d ever met. And because of the foster system, she’s met  _ a lot _ of people. 

This was for a multitude of reasons. The first and easiest reason was because Ben was the reason Finn's parents were so hard on him. Now Rey loved Han and Leia, so much, but she felt that their expectations were almost ridiculously high for the poor kid. The second one was that he had this stupid ability to just bury himself under her skin. Ben was calm, patient, collected, and very, very tall. In other words, he was everything Rey wasn’t. at first, little ten year old Rey thought that this was because she was jealous of him, but as she grew up for six years, she realized she had really underestimated her emotions. 

Turns out the nausea Rey felt around him wasn’t sickness or annoyance, but  _ attraction _ . 

Which, even when she was thirteen, the first time she realized it, she knew that this thing she had managed to catch, couldn’t be handled at ease. 

So she shoved it down. Way down, with a mental metal shovel and tons of rocks and dirt. She didn’t talk to him, didn’t look at him, didn’t even stay in the same room with him for an extended period of time in an effort to purge her mind from all feelings she was harbouring for him. 

Luckily her realization was accompanied by the soothing fact that he would be going to New York for college. So he wouldn’t be around and she could be free of all of her burdens. 

That assumption was also incorrect for many reasons. 

The first one, being the most obvious, is that she missed him, a lot. And she didn’t even know him, but she missed him. It was pathetic. 

The second was that, when Ben left, a new presence began to loom in Rey's life.

Before Rey had gotten moved to Amis, she was moved around the state under the foster system. Her most recent foster parent went by the name of Plutt. 

It was because of Plutt that Rey's burdens had increased exponentially. While Rey didn’t remember much of being in that home, the effects of his abuse were beginning to shine through. 

Her panic attacks began to happen more frequently, and so did the therapy visits. By the time Rey turned fifteen, it was confirmed that she had either completely forgotten what happened, or she had repressed her memories so well that it was taking years to recover them.

She honestly didn’t know which one was worse. 

A year later with this news, Rey was still frequenting cognitive memory recovery therapy, (a real mouthful of a name if you ask her) and still dealing with the violent panic attacks. 

Her first two years of highschool hadn’t been fun. She had Finn, and a friend name Rose who shared the same homeroom with her, but that was it. She spent her time reading, painting and trying to cope with her building anxiety. 

It also didn’t help that Ben was coming home more often. 

Over the past two years, Ben had taken a fast change from a boy to a man. Rey would argue the switch was nearly aggressive, but that may be because when he changed, so did her feelings. And by that she meant they didn’t go away, they just got worse. 

Rey remembers the time when he got back her sophomore year for winter break, she nearly spilled boiling pasta water on herself because he got glasses. 

She was a wreck. 

So Rey chugged along. Churning out mediocre grades and a degrading mental illness on the daily. 

Now, after a short reprise with summer, Rey was going right back to prison. She hated it, but if she survived one more year, maybe she can give up. 

Just one more year. 

Or a month.

Or week.

Or day.

She didn’t really know, all she knew was that she had to stick it out. And she could only give up if things proved themselves worthy of giving up on. It was a stupid mentality, but one that managed to keep her alive for the past two years.

It wasn’t always like this. In fact, her sixth and seventh grade years were good. She wasn’t ruined, or hurt, she had friends and little worries. Everything was fine. It wasn’t until her first panic attack did she realize that things might not be as good as she hoped. And that the past had a tendency to dig its dirty claws into her life unwarranted. 

In the end though, it didn’t matter where it started or why is was there, all that mattered was that she had to deal with it. Life wasn’t fair, and Rey was not going to weep about it. What Rey was going to weep about though was her freezing feet and needing to get out of bed at six thirty in the morning. 

_ Fuck Junior year.  _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay these are the only two chapters I have pre written. After this, I shall be crawling towards finishing this when I can. I have an entire plan drawn out for this, and between ***most*** chapters there will be time skips. For sure at the start. Because of this, I'm not expecting a lot of chapters, but definitly towards the 20-30 count.

By late November, Rey had come to the conclusion that Junior year wasn’t that bad. 

Turns out the school admins had just dramaticized it to scare the students into submission.  _ Fat chance _ , Rey thought. 

While Rey was mildly annoyed at the amount of school work, it wasn’t nearly as horrifying as the teachers said it was. 

September, October, and half of November had passed in a blur of therapy appointments and homework. Not pleasant but not impossible to manage. Now, with Thanksgiving approaching, Rey had her mind on two things, the food, and trying to skirt around Ben Solo as best as possible. 

Rey was working on a sketch on the bar in the Solo house while Ami and Chewie cooked dinner for the night with Finn sitting next to her, giving her drawing prompts as a way to pass the time and rapidly increasing hunger.

“How does a snail with a cigarette sound?” 

Ami nearly dropped her pot of potatoes she was straining.“I could have sworn snails didn’t condone smoking.” 

“I wasn’t even aware snails cared about the capitalist hierarchy that’s the tobacco industry.” Rey added slightly mocking how political a lot of the conversations tended to turn. Leia being a state senator certainly was helping her joke, because the women turned and rolled her eyes at Rey. 

“They are becoming quite progressive.” Finn replied. Rey hummed at this, going to work on the ridiculous idea. 

Rey’s mind began to wonder as she worked on the drawing. She had been counting down the hours until Ben arrived, and two hours ago it was one hour, so now that said hour passed, she should probably leave to go upstairs and get away from the front door, which he would be at any time now-

“Benjamin! There you are! Ami and Chewie are making dinner.” Leia yelled as she barrelled through the kitchen to get to the front door. 

Rey almost physically recoiled at this. 

She had been spending the past few months brewing up some new ideas on how to get Ben away from her. The first was to stick with Finn like a leech, this one seemed the most promising as Finn and Ben were in the midst of a slightly tumuoless argument. The second and the fallback plan if Finn wasn’t around, was to feign sickness. She felt foolish for not thinking of this one before, but then again, the situation was never dire enough for this to be necessary. 

Upon Ben arriving home, Rey was suddenly very happy she had thought about what to do prior, so she didn’t even hesitate when Finn got up to go to another room and motioned for her to follow him. 

But Rey didn’t even have time to sigh a breath of relief because the moment she got to the door that separated the kitchen from the living room, Ami noticed her exit. 

“Rey, come on and stay in for a while. Finn hasn’t been in a good mood, it may just be good to leave him alone.” She said, motioning over to the space next to her in the kitchen where a cutting board sat. 

Frick. 

Rey nodded and walked over, careful to not even glance in Solos direction as the adults carried on talking. She actually felt she was doing a pretty good job until the asshole decided he wanted to help. 

“Is there anything I can do to help you guys get ready for dinner?” 

Holy fuck, when did his voice get so deep. 

“Yes! If you want, you can help Rey with the dishes while I finish up. I’d rather stay ahead of the cleaning.” Ami so innocently replied. Rey nearly choked on her own spit. This was the furthest thing from fair. 

Rey watched from the corner of her eye as he walked up to the sink. Without looking at him, pretending to be entranced with washing a pot, she handed him a rag, silently telling him to dry the dishes she cleaned. And not talk to her. 

He did not receive the latter part of the message. 

“Junior year huh? What colleges are you thinking of?” He asked as he dried a pan. She had applied to a liberal arts college up in Maine, but she hadn’t said yes yet. She hadn’t even told Ami this, so she wasn’t exactly planning on spilling it out to the whole family. 

And she certainly wasn’t telling Solo. 

“Just some on the east coast.” She replied. A dead ended answer that should be the end of the conversation. The man powered on though. 

“Heard back from any yet?” 

“Nope, not until mid senior year.”

“That’s late.” He replied. Rey sighed. 

Yea no shit it was late. Rey was squeamish about waiting so long. She was hesitant to tell everyone though because then she’d have to agree to go to one when she got accepted. And then after that, she’d have to leave and move again to a new state where she doesn’t know anyone and no one would be there to help her. 

She was terrified. 

Rey didn’t reply to his comment though. She’d rather leave him on the in person form of read then continuing the conversation. Just when the air was getting stale from her silence, Finn waltzed in and asked Rey if she wanted to go on a walk to get fresh air. All the while giving Ben the side eye. Rey did actually roll her eyes at her antics, but agreed nevertheless. Anything to get away from Ben, even if it meant going on an hour walk to listen to Finn rant about his pretentious older brother. 

Rey was questioning how worthy her escape really was. It was properly cold out and Finn was half way through what seemed a rhetorical analysis of Ben's annoying personality. While Rey wasn’t going to be one to disagree, she had to admit that a lot of Finn's words seemed a little intense. 

For the past five years Rey has known Ben, she had never known him to be horrible. If he was anything to be generalized as, it would be quiet. While yes, he was horribly aggravating, Rey would argue that the only reason she felt that way was because of her attraction. She wasn’t stupid to overthink the fact that the only reason she resented him was because of her uncalled for feelings. So Finn's anger was not something Rey understood. Not because she enjoyed Ben Solo, but because she hated him for completely different reasons. 

“And so then I was like, you literal piece of shit! How could you even-” 

“Whoa, okay I wasn’t listening, why are we calling him a piece of shit?” Rey asked, ceasing to walk in her confusion. Finn stopped as well and turned around dramatically, putting his hands on his knees and bowing his head as if he was exhausted. After a few deep breaths, Finn looked up at Rey. His brows were furrowed as if trying to find an answer to her question. 

“You know, now that you mention it, I’m not really sure.” He answered simply. Rey pursed her lips. 

“Listen Finn, I know we both have resentment for him, but I feel like it’s getting a little uncalled for. I’m all for disliking him, but if it’s to the point where we don’t even know why anymore, then we just look stupid.” Finn paused at this, standing straight again, he relaxed his shoulders. 

“I don’t know. I’m just angry that he’s so… good. He’s just good, he’s everything my parents want me to be and everything that I can’t and don’t want to be.” 

“Maybe he wasn’t always as perfect as we want to believe.” Rey shrugged. Finn looked at her stupidly.

“Rey are you joking? It’s always ‘Ben this, Ben that, why can’t you be more like Ben?” Finn said in a high pitched voice, trying to mock Leia. 

“Yes but that’s only his highlights. No ones perfect and I doubt he is. It’s also not his fault your parents hold you to such a high standard. Maybe instead of taking it out on him, you could redirect your anger to where your problems are coming from.” 

Finn stood still. Clearly ruminating on Rey's newfound wisdom. Rey on the other hand was internally smacking herself with a metal pipe for defending Ben. If Finn wasn’t mad at him, it would make this entire break a lot more messy because Rey wouldn’t have any full proof escape plans. 

While Rey was mentally scolding herself. Finn turned around with a sigh. 

“Okay fine, you win. Good point. I’ll have to talk to mom and dad about this. On another lighter note, because I can clearly tell you are over me ranting about my older brother…” 

Rey looked at Finn as he trailed off, his face full of mischief. 

“Finn…”

“First one back to the house gets the last butter cookie!” He yelled, running as fast as he could down the sidewalk, back down the street. Rey immediately took off. Not many moments later, she found herself inching her way in front of him. She had always been the faster one between the two, but Finn had always seemed dead set on the hope that someday he would beat her in a race. 

They have always been like this, racing and fooling around, constantly caused mischief everywhere they turned. So despite the surprise of Finn's idea, it didn’t shock Rey very deeply; he would ask for a random race right before dinner in the freezing cold. 

As they both neared the house with Finn right on Rey's tail, Finn had the genius plan to play dirty. Hopefully getting a win out of it. 

Finn went and grasped for Reys shirt, yanking her back and throwing her on the ground. 

Rey flew backwards as Finn launched forward, and she would have seen his wide grin as he ran up the porch, clearly beating her to it, if her vision hadn’t blacked out and she wasn’t thrown into mother fucking panic attack. 

Rey tried to crawl up on her arms but she was flooded with nausea as she saw her younger self get thrown on the floor after getting grabbed by her shirt. It was a man, tall and large, who was then towering over her. Rey could smell the air of Plutts old apartment, she’d remember that stench from anywhere. 

It wasn’t until she realized her eyes were closed and she was shaking did she realize Finn was crouching right next to her, shaking her shoulder. 

“Rey, Rey are you okay? What happened? Did you hit your head? Are you having an anxiety attack?” He rambled, Rey pushed him away, just needed to get inside and be alone. 

Rey's vision was tunneled as she struggled to stand. Anytime she closed her eyes, she was met with the same putrid darkness and sounds of Plutt screaming. She didn’t want anyone to touch her or even come near her for the next year. 

As Rey was starting to stand, the front door opened and Ben walked through it, clearly expecting them to just be talking or something, and not see Rey shaking in tears with Finn right next to her looking lost.

“Hey Ami says dinners.... Finn what the hell did you do?” Was the first thing that came out of his mouth. Rey nearly threw a rock at his face if she hadn’t felt like her limbs were made of jelly. 

“I- I don’t know.” Finn muttered as Rey tried to get inside. 

“Hey, wait, are you okay? Did something happen?” Ben asked, catching her elbow before she got inside. Rey just shook her head and shrugged him off. Just wanting to get inside and think about what she just saw. 

That night, Rey laid awake in bed, a repeat reel of the flashback playing in her mind as she struggled to sleep. It didn’t help much that her lamp was on, but she refused to turn it off and plunged back into the similar darkness of Plutts apartment. 

Rey found herself crying. How was she supposed to solve this? She was sixteen, not a fucking doctor. It was like she had every chance to get better and be healthy, but she’s nowhere near strong enough to get there. 

Shifting onto her back, Rey grabbed her left arm, thinking about when Ben grabbed it and how, when Finn's touch felt like a cage, Ben just felt companionable. 

Trust was meant to be earned. What the hell did Ben ever do to earn her trust? He didn’t deserve it. 

And yet, she found comfort in the memory of his hand on her arm. Stupid and aloof it may be, Rey found herself asleep after a minute. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the really shitty explanation of the flashback, this is the only way I can describe it well without making it sound stupid or fake. These things suck and they plauge you for days afterwards. I know there's literally no Ben and Rey together in this, but like, please remember Rey is sixteen.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of self harm scars and scars received from a third party. 
> 
> I'm so sorry this is so short. I try and keep the most impactful things brief because that's how I've always experienced them. This chapter hits very close to home, and I am so sorry if it is not up to parr for your guys' expectations. This wasn't exactly enjoyable to write :(

“Okay Rey, have you tried our breathing exercises since the last time you saw me?” 

_ No, I hadn’t, sorry I was too busy dealing with the intense emotional trauma that tends to come with regaining seriously scarring memories of being assaulted and abused, sorry.  _ Rey thought to herself. 

“Yea.” 

“And how did those help?” Asked the small women sitting across from her. Rey was pretty sure the therapist's name was Maz, or something like that, but she felt it was too late to ask. Maz was a short, wrinkly old woman with large glasses and a tendency to not be helpful at all. While Rey was going to more emotionally competent therapists, Maz was the only one who was certified to deal with memory recovery. So Rey was stuck with her. 

Rey pulled at a loose strand on the sleeve of her sweater, regretting wearing it. Therapy always made her nervous, she wasn’t sure why, but talking to someone one on one that she didn’t know well about all of her past trauma may be the reason. “Yea, kinda.” 

Maz sighed, as if this answer were far from appropriate. 

“Rey, for this to work, I need you to be open to experiencing the process of healing. You can’t get better if you don’t want to get better.” 

Rey paused, pondering this. If getting better meant she had to basically relive all of her trauma, was it even worth it? Or would she rather just like in the suspense of recovery. Rey didn’t know which one was worse. 

Maz waited patiently for Rey to respond. 

“I don’t know if I want to heal.” Rey muttered, almost to herself. Maz’s shoulders seemed to droop at this statement. 

“Rey, if you don’t heal, you will be living the rest of your life on the brink of a breakdown. That is no way for a young woman to live life, don’t you think?” 

“I suppose…”

“I’ll tell you this. I know you hate all of the brain exercises, so I will only ask one thing of you after you leave.” Maz said. Rey perked up, minimal homework, this was a jackpot. “I want you to draw, or paint what you can remember.” 

_ What? _

“How is that supposed to help?” Rey asked after a moment of silent shock. Maz smiled. 

“It will force you to focus on the little details, rather than the whole situation. Hopefully recognizing these details will resurface memories with similar objects or phrases. That’s all you have to do, and you don’t even have to do it if you don’t want to. I just want you to remember what I said, okay?” 

Rey nodded. This seemed promising. She wasn’t ecstatic about drawing Plutt standing over her with a belt in his hand, but the possibility of finally being able to move on and finally start the healing process was, albeit difficult, still promising. 

Maz seemed satisfied with this, and stood to escort Rey out of the building to meet up with Ami in the waiting room. Rey felt like her brain was filled with rocks and she hadn’t even spoken all that much. That was the worst part about therapy, no matter how you approached it, it always left her drained.

* * *

“Rey, things are going to get better. You know that right?” Ami told her on the drive home. Rey looked at her and nodded. 

Of course she knew that. Didn’t she? It’s not like she had considered a life where she was plagued with this illness. 

Ami looked over at Rey, and her eyes were glossed over. Ami grabbed Rey's hand and squeezed it across the consul. 

“We’ll get there. Someday, we’ll get there. I love you.” 

It hurt, to know that someone loved her so much and yet her brain just couldn’t give anything back. Ami had changed her life, and yet Rey found herself completely incapable of returning any favor. 

It was like her brain was anchored to the bottom of a deep and dark ravine. It made Rey’s head hurt if she thought about it so much. 

Someday, when everything gets better, Rey will repay Ami for everything. 

It wasn’t until they turned into the driveway did Rey notice not only the rain sifting down through the tall fir trees, but also her tears. 

How can a person reach a point where they have felt so much pain, that they can’t feel anything anymore but the worst?

* * *

That night, while Rey was in the shower, Rey took a detailed scan of her body. Her arms were normal, if not for the thin, horizontal lines where she hurt herself when the worst came and she felt like she needed to do something. Glancing away quickly because it made her nauseous even thinking about it, she switched her gaze to her legs. Her calves and thighs were normal, if not slightly hairy considering it was winter and she would really rather  _ not _ shave. Nothing off there. But upon further inspection, Rey could see the faint scars on the inner sides of her thighs. 

Rey could blame the hot water running down her face for the reason it looked like she was crying. 

How was it that her skin could remember her most life altering moment better then Rey herself could? 

She was envious of a  _ human organ _ . 

How could she hurt so much but feel so little?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea.... sorry.   
> On another note, I have planned this out and I'm aiming for 22 chapters. I know, it's not that many, but hey, like I said, this piece is spaced out through relativily large time jumps, which some may consider a bad way of writing, but I genuienly do not have the time (or patience for that matter) to write 100+ chapters about these two (despite how much I love these two). Thank you guys so much for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter will hopefully be up shortly. I've been at protests left and right this whole week and have five more planned for the coming days, so if I am radio silent for a little while, it's because of that. Thank you guys!!!!!!!!


End file.
